Not Sure What to Say? Building a Connection in Open Adoption

You’ve exchanged phone numbers with an expectant mother. You’re excited to get to know her. You pick up your phone to send a text… and suddenly you have no idea what to say. Is it too soon to text? Am I bothering her? Is that question too personal? What if I say the wrong thing?If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

For many hopeful adoptive parents, the beginning of an open adoption relationship can feel a little intimidating. You may want very much to build a connection while also being careful not to overstep boundaries or make an expectant mother feel pressured.

The good news is that you don’t need to have the perfect words. Building a relationship usually happens through the same small, ordinary conversations that build any new friendship.

Start With Simple, Everyday Conversation

Not every conversation needs to be about adoption—or even about the pregnancy.

Ask about the things you might ask someone else you were getting to know:

• What kinds of movies or shows does she like?
• What music does she listen to?
• Does she have a favorite restaurant or food?
• What does she like to do in her free time?
• Does she have pets?
• Is she a sports fan?
• What is she looking forward to this weekend?

You can also share little pieces of your own everyday life. Tell her about the funny thing your dog did, a meal you tried to cook, something happening in your neighborhood, or a movie you just watched.These seemingly insignificant exchanges can be exactly what helps everyone become more comfortable.

Wondering What to Text?

Sometimes the hardest part is simply starting the conversation. It doesn’t have to be complicated. Try something as simple as: “Hi! Just thinking about you today and wanted to see how you’re doing. No rush to respond.” Or: “We realized we’ve talked a lot about us, but we’d really love to know more about you. What’s something you enjoy doing when you have a free afternoon?” You can also follow up on something she has previously shared: “How did your appointment go?”

“You mentioned you were going to see your sister this weekend. Did you have a nice time?” Remembering those little details communicates something important: I was listening. I’m interested in you.

Let Her Set the Pace

One of the most helpful things you can do is pay attention to her communication style. Some people love texting throughout the day. Others may respond every few days. Some enjoy phone calls; others would much rather text. A delayed response doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done something wrong. You can even ask directly:

“We want to stay in touch without ever making you feel overwhelmed. What kind of communication feels most comfortable for you?” That simple question can remove a lot of uncertainty for everyone.

Don’t Make Every Conversation About the Baby

It’s natural to want to know how the pregnancy is progressing, and questions such as “How are you feeling?” can be caring and appropriate. But remember that an expectant mother is a whole person—not simply the person carrying the baby you hope to adopt. Ask about her. Her interests. Her family. Her work or school. Her favorite things. Her hopes. The things that make her laugh. When appropriate, let conversations wander into completely ordinary territory. Those conversations can become some of the most meaningful ones because they allow a genuine relationship to develop.

You Don’t Have to Say Everything Perfectly

Open adoption relationships are human relationships, and human relationships can occasionally be awkward. You may send a text and wonder afterward whether you worded it correctly. You might have a conversation with a few uncomfortable pauses. That’s okay. Sincerity, kindness, respect, and listening matter far more than finding exactly the right words. And when you’re unsure about something more sensitive, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Your adoption counselor can help you think through communication, boundaries, and questions that may arise as your relationship develops.

Connection Happens One Conversation at a Time

You don’t need to force an instant bond. A simple “How was your day?” can lead to another conversation. A shared joke can become an inside joke. Remembering her favorite food or asking how something important to her turned out can slowly build familiarity and trust. So if you’re staring at your phone wondering what to say, don’t worry about finding the perfect message. Start with something simple. “Hi. I was thinking about you today. How are you?” Sometimes that’s all a relationship needs to begin.